We are to undertake a journey. A journey that, while previously explored, is never the less relatively uncertain.
A journey to the state where it is perpetually Very Cold, where the snow comes down grey and yellow all over, and nobody drinks the water for fear of minute radiation poisoning.

'And where is this paradise?' you ask.
'Why, here in our very country!' I answer you.

It is that turnpike-riddled, round-about crazy, sub-urbianite laden, less glamorous counterpart of New York of which I speak.

Yes, the ever garden-y New Jersey.

I can practically see the glow-in-the-dark snow from here.

I have made cheese! On purpous! And it is good!

This makes me feel extremely powerful, and also rather ecstatic.

I took milk (and water and rennit and citric acid) and heated it and made something edible!

No, more that just edible. Likeable! Delicious! YUMMY!

Happy Mardi Gras!

I am paper-mache-ing a cheap plastic Mardi Gras mask from A.C. Moore.

I didn't do any research on paper-mache beforehand ( my only memory of it involves a baloon and an oven), but I have a modicum of common sense, so I just slathered that sucker with petrolium jelly and started up. It is really a lot easier than I thought it was going to be, which only re-enforces my belief that I AM A GENIUS.

Of course, now I also see why paper-mache Mardi Gras masks are usually in the "ridiculosly expensive things that I will never, ever use, but simply must have" catagory.

Tedium, thy name is sculpture.

Although I probably shouldn't complain. As humans, we seem to be drawn to all things beautiful and/or handmade. People will pay through the nose for beauty. We crave what has been made by hand.

Good thing I love doing messy, hands-on artwork that produces beautiful results, then.

We are re-tiling our kitchen counters.

Well, maybe not re-tiling. Re-tiling implies that they have been tiled before. These counters have always been mind-numbingly dull and extremely uninspiring and VERY VERY BEIGE Formica (with Colonial Blue floral-patterned tile back splash).

But now their Reign of Mass Revulsion is at an end. Soon we shall have relief!

We are 'forcefully re-clothing' our counters.

Forcefully.

With force.

And lots of screwdrivers.

The End of The Evil, Deranged, Troublesome, Very, Very Adolescent Remote

...And why? Because we now have a New Remote.

You may laugh, but this is very exciting to me. After two years of batteries falling out, buttons not working, and general remote-related aggravation, we now have a New Remote.

I have been having a really good time lately, for no real reason at all, except that I am happy, and being happy usually makes me look happy (I can't help it), and looking happy usually makes me feel happy, et cetera.

The only mar in this circle of continuous happiness is that...(deep breath) ...My tall, skinny, Wonder-bread white brother has...(deep breath)...received seven stitches...(deep breath)...for a split chin...(deep breath)...that he got while he was break dancing.
(Falls about laughing uncontrollably).

And in case anyone accuses me of being callous, I would like to point out that my stitches were far greater in number, and the lacerations themselves were inflicted under slightly less ridiculous circumstances.

On the upside, I might persuade him to take up a less dangerous hobby. Like bungee-jumping.

List of Exasperating, Exhilarating, and Just Plain Weird Things That are Happening in My Life Right Now, in No Order Whatsoever, as told by Myself:

1. Was turned down for a job at the Library because of my infernally fabulous choir.
I will admit that the library is not the most exciting place to work, and the salary is all of six bucks an hour, but hey. My first job. It was important to me.

2. I found out that Geisha girls' formal makeup used to be a lead-based mask, but they switched to rice powder after skin and back problems. I thought that was extremely cool. And I must now get some rice powder.

3. I dyed my hair blue. It was rather nice for the first day or so, and then it started fading out, and now it is greenish at the ends. (I sort of thought it looked like Peacock feathers, but I have also heard that it is reminiscent of Ducks and Black Australorpe chickens. Maybe I am just vain.)

4. Mum has started cooking with coconut flour. It is very odd to be eating something white at our house. Normaly, anything that isn't soaked or sprouted or fermented (unless its meat or leafy green veggies, grown by folks two hours away, maximum), isn't eaten at home. White things are barred.

A Safe Comment About the Weather

It is gray, and sad, and stormy. The rain alternately pounds the windows and drizzles abjectly down on our bedraggled chickens.
It's one of those days that usually makes me feel warm and cozy, eager cuddle up with a hot water bottle, to read a good book and sip a cup of something.
Today, however, is a day to be grouchy, pessimistic, and cynical (the last two are NOT the same, just conveniently similar). A day to wear lots of black and eye makeup and talk in a slow, defeated voice.
Even my cat has taken refuge indoors, no doubt confused by the very confusing weather: Yesterday, it was sunny, slightly humid, and 69 degrees in the shade (though there wasn't a lot of it). Today, it is thoroughly dismal and dreary, forlorn and 42.

What ever has happened to our sub-tropical climate? Has El Ninio finally moved against us? Have the Snow Gods had a change of heart? Or maybe we'll wake next morning to find that it was just a fluke, or maybe a nasty trick played on us by those Floridians...

This is a historic day in world history.

In a good way.

On this cold and blustery Saturday in December, 2007, at 3:10 in the afternoon, it was found that EVERY SINGLE CHICKEN WE OWN IS LAYING!!!

Now, I know that we only have nine girls, but five of them are pullets.

And four of them are old, crabby ladies.

Green eggs, brown eggs, speckled eggs, big eggs, small eggs.

And the rest of Dr. Seus' books.

And ALL OF THEM ARE LAYING!!!

Today's news was earth-shattering, to say the least.
It was completely and totally unexpected. I have lost all faith in the human race. There is just nothing to believe in anymore.
And yet, it is true.
Somebody had apparently forgotten to tell our poor, naive radio networks that there are STEROIDS IN BASEBALL.
Shocking. Absolutely shocking.

Yes, the Mitchell Report has now been released.

Perhaps people will go back to eating the Red-Hots that are served at Baseball stadiums. It looks like they have fewer artificial ingredients than the players.

Fame can be so tiring. Someone discovers that under your pretense of mediocrity, there lurks an undiscovered Above-Average Person, and then it's nothing but work, work, work. That's why I'm usually an under-achiever: give them mediocrity all the time, and they'll be much more interested when you eventually display your true Above-Average Qualities. Alas, my dear masses, I have been displaying Above-Average Posting Habits for far too long, and just look at what's happened: Above Average is what you now expect.
After much petitioning from the Above-Average masses, I have decided that it is in my best interests to write an Above-Average post.

Mediocrely, of course.

My choir sang at Duke Chapel on Sunday, and it was very beautiful, and the acoustics were incredible, and the preacher-man had lots of very pretty white hair. We sang our Christmas Concert Repertoire and what felt like the entire hymnal, but it was a nice hymnal, so. That was good.
There is a podcast on the Duke Chapel website of us singing, and it is almost perfect, except that you can't hear Alicia's harp. So for some of the songs, there is silence where it is not supposed to be silent, but it sort of works.

After Duke, my dad drove me downtown, where there is a tour of historic houses every year. This year, most of the houses seemed to be as yet unfinished, but there was 411 Oakwood, with it's French Doors flanked by upside-down Christmas trees, and 523 Bloodworth, the Art Deco house with a bathtub set on illuminated blue glass cubes.
My mum sang with her a Capella group, Domestic Harmony, and they were lovely. I felt like I should be dressed in period costume and sipping tea.

That evening, my friends came over, and we had some Serious Soup, and Kasha-nut loaf, and Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie and Mulled Wine.

Today, I have been looking at different college websites, and growing steadily more depressed as I think about what the requirements are, what they will be, and what I will be able to get
done.

Are you masses appeased yet?

There's Just Gotta Be A Morning After...

Hello, dears! Having fun nursing your post-thanksgiving turkey-induced stupors?

It is tradition in my family to go down to Kinston (only we pronounce it kein-stun) and be embraced in the bosom of our family (or, well, our Kin) while a pig cooks in the grille, and eat Cole slaw (with sugar), marinated bean salad (with sugar), cooked down greens (with sugar) and various "sugarless" deserts (with Splenda).

The day after Thanksgiving, we eat our Turkey, our Cranberry-Onion Compote, our Sweet Potato Casserole with lemon, our stuffing and our dressing, and (O, glory of glories! O most perfect perfection!) the Pumpkin Pie.

Then we watch M*A*S*H, entertain ideas of watching Home for the Holidays, and think about what we ought to do next Thanksgiving.

All that to say, the pilgrims probably didn't know what they were getting us into when they boarded the Mayflower.
But I can think of a dozen Turkey dinners that would mean a lot less without them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Falling thoughts...

1. One year from today, a nation-wide presidential election will take place, employing all of America's favorite pastimes: bribery, gain of power, prestige, and status, and, of course, Political Scandals. For yea! We must uphold the Noble American Way of Life.

2. It's hunting season.
Again.
Time to thin the Union of Non-Edible Animals, which have grown WAY to big for this town, thanks to the overpopulation of Here, the next China.
And besides, dead animals make lovely Thanksgiving centerpieces. Just think of those conversation-starters, "yeah, so I was driving down the street one day..."
And the terror you shall inspire! "Hey, kids! Guess what were having for dinner this year!"

3. It's time to turn those clocks wacky for an hour, just like we did last year. Unless of course, you live in Arizona or Hawaii. A pox upon thee. You people who live in warm, tropical places know nothing of the cold darkness we poor, semi-northern chaps and chapettes are forced feel for six out of every twelve months. Fie to thee, I cry! May a thousand frosts plague your black coral and bolo ties!

4. I believe that it is a manly instinct brought on by the cold weather that awakens the urge to grow a beard (even though your wife hates facial hair), chop loads of firewood (even though it's 75 out and you've had gas logs since you moved in), and hunt deer (even though you'd only shoot yourself in the foot and scare away the game).
My dad has similar testosterone-induced urges, but they verge on sanity, a fact I attribute to all the estrogen my mum and I produce: wearing flannel, brewing beer, and napping with a wool blanket on Sunday afternoons.

My little-little brother is going down the street to collect free candy from strangers.

My big-little brother is trick-or-treating with a Scarlet-French-Maid-Woman of the Evening. (And that will only make sense to you if you have a reliable thesaurus and a twisted imagination.)

And me? I am sitting at home, with my mum, filling up the house with lots of nice Estrogen, and wondering why in heavens' name my parents let my brothers out of the house while they were still minors.

Why, oh why, did my parents have to have boys?

I think I'll make some hot chocolate...

Well, it's time.

Time to finally bite the bullet. Time to get it done and out of the way.

Homicide lawyers, be at the ready.

I have never been at the receiving end of this particular peice of advice, so I'll be quick, so as to damage my cringing reputation as a non-licensed personage little as possible: all you innocents out there, stay off the sidewalks.

I'm doing Driver's Ed next week.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I just realized that today is Friday! Which means tomorrow is Saturday!
Which means that I am going to be singing downtown with my mum and a bunch of other Theatre Maniacs in LESS THAN 24 HOURS!

Does the fact that costumes aren't required make it easier, or harder?

I know I haven't been writing very much lately, but that is simply the cross I bear for theatre. Now that the most recent of Fabulous Productions is over, I can once again give you my undivided attention! Aren't you lucky!

'What's in a Name' was stupendous. It was more of a musical review, rather than a play, and the songs were fantastic!
I won't say it was perfectly perfect, but considering that we had all of fourteen rehearsals, it went really, really well.

I was a little nervous at first, since this production was also at Franklin Academy (and we all know what happened last time), but after a few rehearsals of not walking into anybody and hitting my notes every time, I was sufficiently relaxed to do the great and wonderful job I have always done.

(Oh, yeah.)

And this Saturday (the 13th) from about 12:30-1:00, down by the gazebo in downtown Wake Forest, the Theatre Maniacs will be performing selections from 'What's in a Name', including mum's rendition of 'In Buddy's Eyes', Gilly's 'Rose's Turn', and Morgain's 'Notice Me, Horton'.
(And-horay!-ME!!)

I know this post isn't up to my usual standards, but I'm a busy dame, and I've simply got to see a man about a dog...

Today is Rachel's 14th birthday.



Well, okay, today is Rachel's 14th birthday party. I really don't know when her birthday is. (Which is a really rotten thing, seeing as I've known her for so darn long.)



We are going out to the Eno river to wade and swim and feast on Carob Chews and probably catch hypothermia, but blast if we aren't going to have a fabulous time!



In other news, Mum, Eamon and I are slated to perform in the Theatre Maniacs (a name to inspire confidence) new musical review, What's in a Name, at Franklin Academy on October 6 and 7 at 7:00, and October 8 at 1:00 and 7:00. Judging from my EXTREMELY abused knees, it shall be quite a show. Eamon and I don't have any solos, but we do some cute chorus parts, and Mum does a solo piece.

Everyone: please, please, PLEASE come, or Koko will unleash her wrath. She claims to be very wrathful. I don't know how she does it with a name like Koko, but I've been told that actors can be deceiving, and I can never face wrath unless I have a full house.

Happy Autumn Equinox!

Today is supposedly the only day of the year that you can balance a raw egg on its pointy end. (However, it should be noted that you really can do this any day of the year, if you have the patience for it.)

Today also happens to be the day that the earth's tilt toward the sun causes static to all the satellites in orbit. So we can all say what we really want to on the phone! Yay! Isn't that exciting?

Yesterday, it was a balmy 79 degrees. The sun was shining, the birds were twittering, I was wondering when I should get my Winter Wardrobe out of the attic, and contemplating a glass of iced coffee.

Today, it is a frigid 71, there is a cold sun out, my winter wardrobe is taking up the better part of my room, and the iced coffee I made is giving me hypothermia.

And so, fall is upon us. Whatever shall we do next?

I see it on the horizon, a Winter Season of faux-shearling-lined coats, insulated gloves, and J. Peterman's Le Chameau Rubber Boots (wellies with class. And lining).

Meanwhile, I am readying myself for the immanent delight of the following Winter must-haves:

1. Mincemeat. All right, I've never actually had mincemeat, but I really want some. It seems like it's a really great thing. I mean, why else would they make such a big deal of it in 'State Fair'? It just has to be good.

2. Bonfires. Or any kind of outdoor fire, actually. Heck, it can be a Chimeneya as long as you have The Token Guitar Player, hot cider/mulled wine, and a box of strike-anywhere matches.

3. Popcorn and hot chocolate. Which is good anytime of the year actually, but it is just one of those things you NEED any time from September through March.

4. Siting on the dryer with a good book. Something you can't do very comfortably in the heat of summer. And if there's a warm, fuzzy cat on your lap, so much the better. Note: not a good place to fall asleep.

I went to the Bodies exhibit at the mall on Friday.

I loved it. Really.

I don't know why, but a bunch of plasticized bodies and parts of plasticized bodies don't freak me out. I was a lot more fine with it than I thought I was going to be.

The only problem I had with it, was that the brain was beige.

I hate beige.

Think of it: we're sending the next generation out into the world with beige brains. Who would be so cruel as to award this center of reason the altogether loathsome color beige??
Perhaps it was juvenile of me (okay, it was definitely juvenile of me), but I had always cherished the dream that perhaps, in actuality, my brain was green, or blue, or teal.

Other than that, I found the entire thing enjoyable, informative, and entertaining.

My mum, on the other hand, went MIA the entire two hours we were there.

At least, that's what I was told. At the time, I was freakishly absorbed in staring at this brain with all the tendons and nerves coming out of it and the spinal cord hanging down, and the eyeballs popping out of it.

And then there were the veins: all the veins and arteries were injected with this plasticky stuff, then the rest of the body was chemically removed and all you had left was this fine, delicate network of brightly-colored plasticky stuff, floating around in tanks of water like day-glo coral.

It wasn't just a piece of a body anymore. It was art.

Dear person or persons whom I have irrevocably failed and/or disappointed,

Facebook is evil. Pure, unadulterated evil.
I really did try to sign up. I really did. My very best. You won't hate me forever, will you?
See, it just rejected me. I think it's because I'm a confessed member of Autodidacts Anonymous. They just hate homeschoolers. The System is trying to bring me down!...In fact, it's succeeding!
Facebook is evil. That is just all there is to it.

With too many apologies,

Me

The Summer has come.

It has come up to terrorize our gardens. It has bred many thunderstorms, but not nearly enough. It has evaporated our pools, fogged our glasses. It has dried up our reservours, killed our chickens, and gunned down many a resolution for Summer Fitness with its tempting array of cold and frozen sugary treats.

And the Summer has gone.

And with it, every friend I have over the age of 18.

I wish every one good luck for the coming year. And the nicest and most understanding of roommates, and very good cafeteria food, and very nice dorm rooms and fridges and professors and classrooms and whatever else you need.
Till next time...

Where's the Big Big Man?

Ever since I was a little girl, the Big Big Man has been in that field on 401 (or capitol blvd, or whatever). You know the one I'm talking about. Blue overalls, black beard, seasonally changes his shirt. I used to beg my parents to go out of their way so I could say 'Hi' to the Big Big Man. At Christmas, the people who owned the farm where he stood would rig up a star over their house, so high up I thought it was part of the sky. During Independence day week, an American flag would be clenched in the Big Big Man's hand.
He was a landmark. No matter where I was, I would think to myself, Okay, the Big Big Man's over there, so I must be...?
He's always been there, the unsung fiberglass watchdog of the capitol.

SO WHERE'D HE GO???
Is it normal for ten-foot-tall men to suddenly dissapear? I mean, he was an innanimate object, for crying out loud.
Or am I just overreacting? Was it 'his time'? Am I going crazy for missing some over-large portrayal of a farmer?

Does anyone have the faintest idea of what I am talking about?

I adore eggs. Almost as much as I adore mayonnaise. Or chocolate. Or Butter.

When we got our first five hens a few weeks ago, I was more than very, very happy. I was ecstatic. I was beside myself with uncontained glee. I was ready to burst with the idea that we were going to have more eggs! Yes! I had just been told that the meaning of life was in my back yard!

But alas, no. Not nearly. Aparently, chickens are slaves to routine, one of their routines being that they go on strike every summer, without warning (maybe there Italian?).

Estimated total egg consumption per week: Let seven eggs be assigned to french toast, three to toad-in-the-holes, six to scrambling/frying, six for hard-boiling, and twelve for baking and ice cream. Total: Thirty-four/Three dozen, at least five per day (and each one of those conclusions came to a completely different number, but whatever).

Actual laying amount per day: Two.

Apparently, our chickens do not share my family's love of eggs. There is a very distinct +/- thing going on here.

(Perhaps I shouldn't write this at lunchtime.)

And it is August.

Is it just me, or is really, really hot?

Alas.
Here's what happens: Harry is horribly disfigured and almost dies but his watch face saves his life, Voldemort gets blue contact lenses and becomes Minister of Magic, and Hermione and Neville get plastic surgery and Bellatrix adopts them. And Ron is blown up on the London subway.
So ends the turmoil and strife of the greatest series this decade.

I had a fabulous time at the Smith's pool today. We stayed all day, and ate cheese and crackers and had flourless chocolate cake, and got very wet. It was drizzly the first half of the day, but dad showed and it all cleared up and was very nice and sunny and the tops of my feet got tan. But the rest of me is lobster pink. How did I manage this?

Today is my Sixteenth Birthday

...And that's about it.
I'm opening a whole lot of cards, and eating a little cake (hopefully), and going to the Smiths' pool, and maybe maybe maybe watching the new Harry Potter movie, if my brothers and I can actually stay in the theatre to see them mangle another one for three hours.

...The Capitol Steps have their 4th of July radio broadcast up! All hail the deranged mocksters!

After Rome, it was a simple matter of our plane from JFK being delayed thirteen hours and an overpriced Starbucks meal to get home.
The limo was not nearly as much fun the second time around. Although that might have been because we spent the night in a deserted terminal under the florescent lights of the seventh level of hell.

And now our fabulous trip is over, and the boys are away at Summer camp, and when we pick them up, we will all go up to the mountains for a week of CFO. (Yes, the many reports you are hearing are true, mum will be camping. All week. In a tent. Without Laura Ashely.)

First thing tomorrow morning, we head out to get my guys, go to the nearest Laundro-Mat to wash a week's worth of boy camping laundry, then go to CFO, where they will just get stinky all over again, but this time with parental supervision.

See you when I get back (again)!

Sunday, June 10, 2007 8:23
The Hotel Osimar
Rome, Italy

This was a horrid hotel that hardened cab drivers drove over hell's half acre to find, on the outskirts of a horrid city.
When we got to Rome, we were all tired and rather unhappy and very hot, and to make things worse, the cab driver didn't know where our hotel was.
He made a few calls, and before we knew it, we were at a hotel in the middle of nowhere.
The best that can be said about it, was that it had a bidet.
We decided that no matter how hot it was, we couldn't just stay in our hotel rooms all day, so we ventured forth into the sticky, smelly, dirty crowded hordes of tourists to see what we could see.
Our first stop was the Colosseum, which I assume would be very appealing in the off-season.
It was...very...big? And hard. And old.
And on that particular day, hot, crowded, dirty and smelly.
Second was the Mouth of Truth, which was my absolute favorite, because the basilica that it was connected to was all stone with one or two windows, and very dark and cool.
From there, we went over to the Palaza de Spanga, to see the the overcrowded Spanish Steppes, and then to the Trevie Fountain, where we only threw coins in so we could ensure our safe return to a major airport next year.
After that, we got some gelato, and took an other taxi to the hotel Osimar.
We got dinner at a tiny place two minutes from our hotel, had a long dinner under the stars, and vowed never to return to Rome again.
Rome sucks.

Let me just say right now, that the Smiths throw the best parties in the known universe.
That's all.

Friday, June 8, 2007, 22:20
Hotel Atlantic Palace
Florence, Italy

After an obnoxiously long train ride, we got to Florence.
After oo-ing and ah-ing over mum and dad's room, we were informed by the concierge that not only was our room not ready yet, it was still vibrantly inhabited.
We could have told him that (he gave us the key).

Upon gaining entrance to our room, we promptly fell on the bed and turned on MTV, which is the only cable show in Italy that speaks English sometimes. The commercials were awesome, because they were all in a language we couldn't understand, so we didn't feel compelled to buy stuff.

Sunday, June 9, 2007 22:00
Hotel Atlantic Palace
Florence, Italy

Today was packed and exhausting and exhilarating and filled with old rocks and gelato.
First thing in the morning, we went to the Academia, where, amongst the old, the antique, and the Prisoners, we saw Michelangelo's David (YES! I SAW DAVID), which was about the only thing worth looking at.

On our way back to the Hotel, we were caught up in a big market, where we bought mounds of silk and linen and Pashmina scarves.
I fell asleep while dad went in search of a post office to mail out our billion and one post cards (if we didn't get one to you, it wasn't for lack of trying), and mum went back to the market in search of more bargains.
When I woke up, it was time to go to the Uffizi Galleria, but dad (who had gone in search of mum when she didn't come back from the market), was not with us.
We were outside the Uffizi for about half an hour (quite a while when you're on 24-hour time) waiting for our tour before dad turned up.
The tour guide was great. He had a bit of a lithp, and said, "believe me," and "by the way," a lot. We saw the Birth of Venus, and the Three Graces, and loads of Pieta, and a couple Adoration of the Magi. Afterwards, we had dinner at il Fratelini, a tiny sandwich stand across the piazza from the Duomo, and walked down to the Ponte Veccio.
It was crowded. Everybody was either watching the Harri Krishna parade that was noisily cavorting down the street, or hanging over the bridge, watching the sun sink into the Arno.
Mum disappeared on a mission of mystery, and the boys and I leaned out over the Arno while dad took pictures.
After about twenty minutes of this, mum reappeared, only to shang-hi me into one of the jewelry shops along the ponte, and after many tears, after much arm-twisting, and after hitting up my dad for a hundred fifty euro, we got a perfect cameo from a Russian lady who spoke English with an Italian accent.
We went back to the Hotel, and the boys went to the gelateria across the street from our hotel to get the Italian equivalent of ice cream take-out.

Day three of Italy
Thursday, June 7, 2007, 10:00
MY Hotels La Spezia

1. Riomaggiore
Riomaggiore is the first town in the Cinque Terre. It was there that we got our first tastes of mountain vineyards, brightly-colored Mediterranean houses, and clear, blue water. We started with a very exciting elevator ride up the mountain, so we could save ourselves for the long climb down.
We solicited sandwiches at the nearest grocery, and ate them overlooking the beach as it started to rain. An American woman had been teaching there for two weeks, and decided that as long as she was over there for the summer, she might as well stay there. Her mother was born in one of the five villages, and she and her sister were going to hike and explore her mothers' homeland.
We lost her in the hike through via Dell'amore, a meeting place for several hundred Romeo and Juliets over the years, decorated with creative graffiti and lots of padlocks.

2. Manarolo
We came through the via Dell'amore into Manarolo, the second village in the Cinque Terre, and immediately sought out fortification in the form of gelato.
Once obtained, it was a simple matter of walking through the village and trying to sight-see in the pouring rain, until the cold pound became too much for up and we ducked into a handy-dandy Basilica to wait it out.

We emerged after fifteen minutes into the sunlight, shaking out raincoats and starting back down the mountain to the station.

3. Corniglia
In Corniglia, we experienced the beautiful views and tastes and smells that I am sure make European adults so irresponsible.
Halfway up the village, mum and dad stepped over to take in a wine tasting, while the boys and I navigated the treacherous waters of a foreign language and got several enormous gelato cones to eat in the hot sun spilling over the buildings.

4. Vernazza
If the Cinque Terre has a village that can be described as more picturesque than all the others, this is it, as it has the best easily accessible beach on the coastline.
We walked through piazzas, past vias, and around endless fountains, slipping on the rain-slicked cobblestones and marble down to the waterfront.
A dog was gleefully ignoring the 'No Dogs' sign, and splashing in the water around a boat that was launching.
At mum and dad's insistence, I put my toes in the freezing cold Mediterranean sea (which turned out to be the Legurian sea) and then skipped over to the bench with mum and ate many yummy sandwiches.

5. Monterosso
Monteroso was a fancy, resort-y village, entirely populated by the rich, the old, and the tourist.
It kind of looked like the Florida keys, except there were gelato stands instead of ice cream trucks, and there were cigarettes on the beach.

Tomorrow at 13:00, we take the train to Florence.

Day two in Italy
Wednesday, June 6, 2007 12:24
The intercity train to La Spezia

This morning, my brother and I went with dad to cash the traveler's cheques that NOBODY USES ANYMORE.
The metro we took was noisy and crowded, and when we finally got to Piazza Missuri it took us 12 blocks of of eternity to find an American Express on via Lago, because the streets change names at every driveway, the map was wrong, and the policemen didn't speak English.
Yeah, I can be an ugly American tourist. So what?

Later on Wednesday
La Spezia, Italy
MY Hotels La Spetzia

16 minutes before we were due to arrive in La Spezia, the train was forced to stop, due to a rather large rock slide. We (and our luggage) were shepherded (with a trainful of other passengers) to a bus, then to an OTHER train on the OTHER side of the rock slide.
When we finally get to La Spezia, my brothers and I (having not eaten all day) are famished (understandably), so we raid the mini-bar (it was free in the last hotel!), and consequently find that this is about twice the street price.
Hmm.

We head over to a restaurant that the concierge recommends, the Trattoria La Nuova Spezia, and upon arriving, are treated to jokes in Italian, swordfish steaks, nyoki with pesto, pasta with cheese sauce and bacon, the house wine, a tray of desserts, a cognac, a cafe corretto, and some very delicious sea-something, which turned out not to be so delicious when we learned it was Squid.
After four hours of this, we had to pay up and go to our pseudo-home, or else risk exhaustion's wrath. It was rather dark, and after about ten minutes of walking this way, we realized we had no idea of where we were.

And that was when it started to rain.

We traipsed over deserted piazzas to deserted streets for another fifteen minutes, finally bumping in to a group of streetlamp-lit teenagers who had a very bad case of the giggles, but did show us to our hotel.

We fell into bed with nary a care.
Only as I was falling asleep did I remember that we needed to get up the next morning...

I'm back. Miss me?

I'm trying to figure out how to do this, since I actually did quite a lot in a week, and even though my life is not very exciting, I'd like to reserve the right to have a good rant every now and then.
Maybe I'll add those later?

Day one of Italy
Tuesday, June 5, 2007, 19:50
Milano, Italy
The Hotel Michelangelo

We just arrived in Milano this morning. We checked in to the hotel, and immediately went over to the train station (across the square!) to buy tickets to Bergamo (about 2 hours from Milano). Bergamo is important because it is where mum and dad had their Montessori training and lived for a year.
We take the funicular to the middle city (Bergamo being on a verrry steep hill).
Once we get there, we are all famished, so we get a lot of sandwiches and eat them on the steps of the bibliotecha, facing the Piazza Vechia, and watch an old man in a purple shirt walk up and down the street with an umbrella, singing to himself.
We took the funicular to the upper city, where the Montessori school was (a Montessori learning and a Montessori teaching school) and along the way, we meet a family of Liverpudlians on their last day. Soon after that, it begins to pour. We skip off in the rain for about 15 minutes, decide that caching a chill would not be a smart thing to do on our first day, and take the funicular back down.
Once it stops raining, we go buy gelato (our first of many), and look at the view (also our first of many).

Tomorrow, we take a train to La Spezia.
And right now, I will indulge my jet-lag, and sleep until dad makes me get up.

Hannah had her graduation party today. Her dad made this toast-speech about doors closing and it kind of made me wonder if I was a closed door, or if I was still open. And it also made me get really teary, so I gulped down my champagne so I'd have something to cry about and got some cake.

Tomorow morning, I shall head off to Italy.
I promise to bring back a camera full of pictures.
And tales of cute Italians in picturesque landscapes.

Ciao!

OHIO:

Packing (I have always hated packing).
Driving (TEN HOURS!).
Nana (words cannot express).
Diana exhibit (very very pretty).
Cheryl's graduation party (Ali's was better).
Seeing the cousins (rambunctious) and the aunts (women) and the uncle (SO man).
Visiting Penny and Jaffe (Yay!).
Packing (I really HATE packing!).
Driving (TEN HOURS!)


Home.

Long, long exhale.

I would like to publicly apologize for:
a) not writing since the first and, alas, keeping my adoring public in the dark (there was nothing to write about! I cannot always make dullness sound exciting, sue me. Any complaints, I take calls Mon-Fri, normal work hours.)
b) not going on my second official Venture Crew outing (a fishing trip. Red necks. Need I elaborate?)


On Friday I went to the Relay for Life kick-off, saw a bunch of people I knew, laughed, and walked a lot.
On Saturday, we dropped my Nana off at Peace college for her 50th High school/college reunion, and I decided I am SO going to Peace until I find an alternative, because the campus is the best.
On Sunday, we went to Mellow Mushroom and I found yet another good reason to attend Peace: there's a Starbucks not five blocks away!

Tomorrow I shall rest and recuperate and pull weeds.

On Thursday, I am going to Cleveland for my mums' best friends' second daughters' High school graduation, see my cousin's cute not-puppy, and eat a bunch of stuff I don't want to know about.

I will see your adoring faces when I get back!

I sat out on the deck today in the Silk-Road-esque heat, slowly eating the topping off four pieces of pizza, while the sun first baked my still-bald scalp, and then made my upper lip break out in moisture so profuse, I was under the impression (for a little while) that I had bitten in to a hot pepper.
Afterwards, I crunched down the last of the ice cream we had for my baby's FOURTEENTH BIRTHDAY GOD HELP US, and thought about meaningful things like the fact that my baby brother will never be thirteen any more (thank God for small favors), and this ice cream would be really good with coffee flavor, and meaningful things like that.

I love an Ordinary Summer Day.

Especially in Spring.

Hmmm...

My mum is 'rendering fatback'.

This is rather off-putting, because on the one hand, it looks like a side of Lamb, only it's fat, and on the other...it...SMELLS really really really GOOD.

Like bacon.

But not smokey.

Just to let people know, mum and I sang Mozart's Requiem with the NC Master Chorale yesterday at Meymandi.
Yes, I know I didn't say anything, but the ticket prices were atrocious ($24.00 bucks! Who do they think they are!?)
It was SO MUCH FUN, and also rather too warm, and now my Little-little brother is going around singing Dies Ire, only with lyrics like, "cum se-dasy-dasy-meela".

My little-little brother, One Who Has Ultra-Low Pain Threshold, just got back from the dentist after having two baby molars extracted.
He hath been talking like thith ever thinth he goth home, because of two gauze pads in his mouth. But unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. I'm betting two hours till that novocane runs out.

Plus, dad gave him a hair cut last night, so his misery is quite complete.

Awaking from my Easter afternoon stupor, I came upon a revelation: I never get the sugar high. I skip straight to the low.

Boy, wouldn't I be a riot on recreational drugs.

To complicate matters, the Blue Screen of Death was in reruns on our computer.
Or the desktop just took a holiday. Which is probably more likely.

Good news, though. We got more M*A*S*H, so at least we are entertained through our Sugar Blues.
Happy Easter...

I arose yesterday morning and was on the point of making breakfast, when I opened the fridge, and--!!!!!


Tragedy! Disaster! O, woe! O, misfortune! O, despair! What exigency!

NO BUTTER!!!

I hadn't really considered my dependence on butter. To me, it seemed rather nonexistant. I mean, no butter? Please! I can so deal, people! It isn't like I've never been deprived before, wretched child that I am.
But little did I know: no butter = No french toast, no scrambled eggs, no fried-egg sandwich, no toad-in-the-hole, no grilled cheese... I know I sound like I'm whining, but NO BUTTER! O, calamity! REALLY.

It's like running out of Coffee or Hot Water--You don't do a thing like that.

But we all had this enourmous breakfast this morning, and a long walk, and it is a gorgeous day, and maybe this whole unnatural-daylight-savings-time thing is working...

My mind seems to be rather Skewed today.
That's a great word. I love that word. Isn't that a great word?
But I just wanted that to go on record for posterity.

Why is it already in the 80's? It's MARCH. I love changing all my winter clothes out for my summer ones, but I like doing it until mid-to-late April.
My friend's pool doesn't even open till June!

Global warming might have sent a calling card, at least...

I have reached a quandary: I am undoubtedly Irish, right? With my last name, family heritage, inexplicable desire for corned beef three hundred and sixty-five days a year and general hatred of the color orange, how could I be anything else? (The fact that mum's reliatives are all German is immaterial).
So why do I have such a deep-founded lack of interest when it comes to the potato?

I really do feel sympathy for the sufferers of the potato famine--a whole infostructure based on a root!--but I must be chanelling Queen Anne or Elizabeth or whoever it was that outlawed the potato in England, because I just do not see the attraction.

Maybe I'm English.

Or worse! Scottish!

Either way, I resign myself to being doused with whiskey and/or Porter and carried to the nearest Catholic confessional in an wool Aran playing "The Yoodil Is On Me Now" on a Bodhran.

Happy St. Patricks day.

Why is Daylight Savings time FOUR WEEKS longer?

Has the President taken leave of his remaining senses?
Why are we asked to abandon a tradition that our forefathers long upheld? A tradition that was invented by Ben Franklin? WHY MUST WE AWAKEN IN DARKNESS???

Because, as we all are perfectly aware, four weeks will help boost the floundering economy to such a level that even (a certain person who is in office who will remain nameless at the present time) won't be able to rip it down.

Of course, those with seasonal depression are in a lurch. But hey! We figure that the economy will be booming along so nicely, we won't notice the insurance agency's shares plummet.

What makes French Vanilla french?

Well, I was going to tell you all about the fabulous Lunar eclipse I saw last night, but that was driven clean out of my mind by the fact that Google has taken over Blogger!
No, maybe this isn't newsworthy, but I am very annoyed when I try to write on my blog and find I can't even LOG ON because the stupid COMPANY sold out to GOOGLE.
So what if they've updated their system? Could they LET ME KNOW? Give me fair warning? Not make me get a Google account?
Ugh, I hate Empires.

And I was singing all day yesterday, and I'm still really, really tired, and I just finnished a serise, so I have that melencholy, let-down feeling.
All that to say, take whatever I say with a grain of salt.
Or maybe the whole Ocean.
But Ocean is masculine, so take whatever I say with a little Sea instead...

Disclaimer: If any of the words in the below post, previous posts, or posts as yet to be realized are spelled or used incorectly, TOUGH TOENAILS.
Go kiss a dictionary.

Why do these things always happen on Saturdays?

Today is a momentus occasion. A celebration of aging. Out-with-the-Old, In-with-the New. The ONLY TIME this will EVER HAPPEN, darn it.

My youngest brother bridging over to Boy Scouts, walking across a flimsy peice of rope suspended two feet off the ground, receiving the red epaulets that symbolize countless Pinewood Derbys, banned Hazing, Sleepless nights on frozen ground, and go oh-so-becomingly with his complexion.

This Arrow of Light Cerimony will be attended by the Cub Master, Den Leaders, younger Cubscouts, Den mates, and most important, our friendly neigbourhood Plumber.
That's right, folks, you heard it here first: Our Water Heater has officially bitten the dust, I repeat, has OFFICIALLY bitten the dust.

A tragedy that will soon be overcome by the wonders of Home Depot Instillation and the IRS Tax (Return) Agency.

Until then, I will be living out of the our immaculate 1/2 butt kitchen, musing about the many ways in which my life revolves around Hot Water.

By the way, a typical Happy-Bridging-Over present is a 47 gallon Water Heater. Electric. Any color, brand or style okay. WE DO NOT DISCRIMINATE.

When I first went to the Post Office to get my passport, I thought I was going to Austria with my choir.
Slight change of plans:
1. Destination: Italy
2. Entourage: Family
3. Head exploded--Just a tad worrisome
4. No Singing--Bonus?

10 Things You Really, Really Need

10. Bonfires. Unfortunately, none of you is likely to lie on your deathbed and moan "Why didn't I go to more bonfires?!" You ought to. Everyone loves glowing embers, and good things come to those who sing Kumbayah.

9. Flowers. Go out and buy flowers. Even if you're deathly allergic. Even if your face swells up and your lips puff out (Angelina Jolie is fuming) and your eyes turn red. Buy flowers, and know that the days of darkness and cold are soon to be over. Smile.
Then take an Antihistanine and lie down for a few months.

8. Coffee. What more can be said? I ought to just stop writing here.

7. Tissues. Can you beleive that sane people traveled with small squares of linen? And this was in the days before allergy medicine!
It should be noted however, that a) you can't sleep with a guy's tissue under your pillow, and b)Kleenex boxes positively RUIN an dashing image.

6. A rainy, stay-at-home day. Fire, good book, tea and Chinchilla-fur hot water bottle cover included. Extra for Snow, Sleet, blanket and Digestive Biscut.

5. The Peterman Catalog. You will NEVER have enough money for ANY of it, not even the 1903 Cologne and Aftershave set, but it's worth getting the catalog. You can look at gorgeous stuff for free.

4. A friendly IRS agent. A couple thousand could come in real handy sometime.

3. A baseball bat. Please, don't be so quick to dismiss it. Use to attack rowdy boyfriends, deface mailboxes, in self-defense, as a paddle if your car gets stuck in a downpour, or as a cat-trainig device. Or you could always use it to kill the opposing team's catcher.

2. A Gin-Sue. For use on anything from a Tomato to a cinderblock.

1. An Ostritch egg. It won't really do a lot, and it'll be pretty quiet most of the time (Warning: talking eggs not good.) But it's...Big. And a good conversation starter. And really, really round.

My eye lashes are growing back in!
They're about 1/8 of an inch long, and very thick and blonde at the tips.

YAY!

...Of course, NOW my attention is drawn to the final two lashes on my right eye, which are long, and close together, and dark, and spindly and they look like spiders' legs.
I know they'll have company soon enough (give me six weeks and my eyelids will be so heavy as to render weight-lifting obslete), but why do good things come to those who wait?

If you're willing to wait, you don't want it bad enough.

GROW, my velcro, GROW.

Is it at all fair that we had a 60-degree IN JANUARY?

It's okay in Florida. It's okay in South Carolina. It's okay in places where nobody has a Down Jacket to their name.
But please. My brother has a snowball in the freezer, he's so desperate.

Shall the Snow Gods smile down upon us?

Oh, and no more Dam jokes.

Last night, I was sitting quietly on the couch, minding my own busines, when out of the blue, my family hit me with six 6-ml saline saringes.
Salt water. In those little needle jobbies that you get shots in, but without the needle.
Have I not suffered enough???

Although, I must remember that...

Oh, and my brother gets his final four braces out today!

Hey... Guess what I just got? No, c'mon guess. I really want you to guess.

Okay, here: A perfect 20's silhouette.

Because guess what just came out at 9:10 this morning?
HA!! YES yes YES yes YES!!!

Now I have a hardcore Buggs Bunny Band-Aid over a little quarter-inch scab, and I can shower and put my arms over my head and turn 60's rebel and not wear a bra and be happy. HA!

I did ask if I could take my bloody, used Catheter home to show you guys and watch you ooh, aah and be violently ill, but evilsome Dr. Skinner put the kabosh on that one. His high on the humor reader is -52, not that he'd admit to it.

But I did try for you guys. I made an effort. Honest.

And now all I have to do is two months of PT (I hope) and I shall make you throw a Ridiculously Large Party for me.

Or I could take a really long shower...

Yes! Yes! YES! Yesyesyes!
My Catheter comes out on the 22!

...For those of you who are not as divinely blessed with the knowledge of The Catheter as I am, let me elaborate: Ick.
It is a peice of plastic that sticks out of the right side of your chest (and it has to be in a blood vessle or it won't work), enabling the Vampire Nurses to painlessly draw blood and preventing you, the Long-Suffering but Silent Wearer, from taking a shower.
Wondering why I haven't been smelling as rosy as usual? Wonder no more.

I plan to take a very long, hot bubble bath when I come around from all the knock-out meds, so please, no letters till half-past February.

There is a cooler on our back deck, stuffed with all the things that won't fit in our fridge.

"Honey? HONEY? Shrimp, Safer Soap and brandy...Tails on or off, mom?"

My brothers are in a vaccuming frenzy. Can a straight guy be in a vaccuming frenzy?

"Are your ears burning yet?"

My Nana is helping with the millions of dishes that have to be cooked or prepared.

"No, I have enough of that...NUTS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON FIRE!!"

I take this opportunity to say, if no one shows up tomorow, heads will roll and heaven will tremble.

...And really quick while I'm thinking of it, drop by our house on January 7 between 1 and 6 for cheese and crackers and hugs and all kinds of fun stuff.

So I'm finally back! We're all glad and happy. We're so overjoyed and boisterous, we don't even care about redundancies (or misspellings?).

I'm so glad the holidays are over, though. This means I shall stop all this Chemo-induced writing and revert back to my usual self.
Consider yourselves warned.

12/26

Uuuugh.
I just spent ALL DAY at Duke (10:00-6:00 counts as all day, right?) and only just got home.
And now, I shall treat you all to a rant. Aren't you lucky.

So my dad and I went today, got there a little before 10:00, the place was a tomb.
We check in, the nurse does all her fun stuff, and then we wait.
For four hours.
Now I don't mean to complain (yeah, like hell I don't), but really people. Get it together.
So by this time, the place is hopping, because everyone wants blood right after Christmas.

So here's a bit of a complication: I am still very Neutropenic. This means I wear a teal mask that does NOT COME OFF in public.

So guess what?
It's lunchtime. I am in a chair in a big room with a bunch of other similarly filled chairs. I can't eat, because I can't take my mask off. I. Am. Hungry.

So after we finally get home, I spike a 103 degree fever, and we're back to Duke.

12/29
So now I'm at Duke, with something resembling a fever (at times), and an infection in my line that is apparently vigorously evil, and the same room I had ten days ago.
Oh, and by the way, I probably won't be home for New Years.
Ick.

Done. Donedonedone. Done. Finito, finis, finished, the end of the blasted era. Ha!

And that's just Chemo. Imagine how I'll react to the end of the year.

But yeah, I am done. Ha! I'm done! I'm...done.

My list of No's (as I see it, my immediate family would probably have quite a few things to add on):
No Fevers (or even a temperature over 99.0)
No 3 AM blood draws
No paper-towel dispensers
No trains of Little White Ducks (the doctor's pet projects in long, white lab coats who ask you odd questions at innoportune moments. Like during your 3 AM blood draw, maybe.)

Wow. I am done with Chemo...

Last round, folks.

Wish me luck.

I'm Mad About Chemo

1. Being sick.
2. Being tired.
3. Easily scandalized doctors. (And their little white ducks, trooping into your room at 7:30 in the morning.) There are a lot of those in my ward.
4. Paper towel dispensers.
5. Blood draws. 4:30?? In the morning?? These people have seriously screwy internal clocks.
6. Beeping heart monitors. Those things are seriously messing with my night life.
7. Screaming babies. Thank God they're not mine, and could we please get a couple ml's of benadryl?

13-19 is my last one though, and then I'm home free.
That is, assuming I don't get any fevers and they don't have to put me on TPN.

Tomorrow should be fun. I get my breathing checked, my ears checked, my ovaries checked, my heart checked (twice! They just can't get enough of my heart), and then see my one last doctor who can tell us that I'm fit for reluctant duty and she'll call us when there's a room.

But looking on the Bright Side...
The Bright Side...
The Bright Side...is currently indisposed...

Hey, adoring fans, guess who's back?

My boredom has been taken to a new low. Or a new high, depending on how you look at it. (You may now hail me as The Fearsom Lady Clemintine Carver.)

The most interesting thing that has happened is we got a Christmas tree.
Apparently, these health profesionals at Duke really hold something against fresh flowers when I'm Neutropenic, but trees? In the house? Plus Neutropenia? Why should that be a problem?
Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, you should get a tree.
I think it's mostly the smell. Having that fresh, warm smell permiating the house. And the precence. It's a tree! In your living room! Tell me that doesn't count for something!
And also bragging rights. "I have a tree in my house, what have you got?"

What isn't there to love?

So, yeah. Trees.

(My brother is punching his forehead, yelling "F7! F7! It's not working!" That was totally random, but too good to pass up)

Oh my God.
An argument about chocolate?
This is seriously the best.

Lindt or Godiva?

Thanks for weired stuff. For misspelled stuff. For stuff I don't even like.

For unprocessed, well-cooked food and raw milk.
Olives, boyscouts and Ninjas.
Magaritas. Martinis. Mimosas. Daquaries.
Stem cells, modeling jobs and paintbrushes.
For perennials, British Hip-Hop, and Home Brew.
Cloudy, stay-at-home days, for oxygen, for shark oils.
For turkey bacon and scrambled eggs.
Below-freezing days when the thermometer reads 42.
Good movies, good actors, good dogs. Good presidents (we haven't had many of those lately) and good phone service.
Music, good and otherwise.
Pencils, and for newspapers, and for chocolate and Duct Tape.
Camping trips.
My guys. My dads. Acting. Marylin Monroe. Hot Cider. Trees. French toast.
For fires and for guitars and campfire songs. Supplements and iTunes and Paris.
Oranges, rum, The Beatles, the 20's, and the Ocean.
Eagle Scout license plates, headphones, four distinct seasons, distractions.
My parents, who like my music, even when they don't understand it. And hey, be fair, who understands Portugeese?
The Theater People, the sweetest visionaries out of Happy Vally Nut House.
For bing undersood, for being accepted, for Edgar Allen Poe.
For Ali.
Balsamic vinnegar, pumpkins and for water. Ice. Shovels. Red wool. Harmonicas. People who play drums really well. Bamboo swords.
For things that make less and less sense the more you read/listen/hear/write/see/taste/smell them.

This is the best Thanksgiving so far. My brothers are headed to Kinston with my grandmother (who is getting lost a bit, and asking my brother, the boy who got lost on the way to his orenteering class, for directions), my dad is asking me to google How to Cook a Turkey (My favorite was "How to Safely Cook a Turkey Without Swearing the Whole Time or Getting Unreasonably Intoxicated". He wasn't amused.), my mum is reading the newspaper, I'm DJing with the help of a icemaker full of champagne and Luna, the Cat Who Likes Rock, World, and Jazz.

Have a good time guys.

I am ONE CHEMO ROUND away from finishing! La lalalalala, lalala tra lalalaaaaaaaaaa! And now, a delightful aria for you...
Maybe not.
But Hey! Guess what? It's raining! It's cold! My dad is getting a new truck! I! Am! Happy!

You know what else? It's almost Thanksgiving. Time to see all your crazy relatives, all the nutcases out of the family woodwork, and for God's sake, don't talk about the big white elephant in the living room.
What really drives me nuts is all my Southern reliatives. Babtist tea-totalers. I don't have anything concrete against Babtist tea-totalers exactly, but when thyr're related and you shove 'em all together...Oh, God, you'd be amazed how bad you need a shot of something strong.
Or better yet, a mini bar.

Of course, I won't be anywhere near Kinston this year. I shall be staying home and depriving everyone of my glorious company because I will be Neutropenic. Ha.
Certian people aren't too darn happy about this, but another year and I'll be back on the rounds. Be happy for me! Do not be bitter! Patience is a virtue, dern it!

Now, don't laugh, but I am not used to a dead bird for Thanksgiving. Pig, sweet potateoes loaded with marshmallows, and Cole Slaw are the norm, with a side of hush puppies and some Sweet Tay. We don't do sweet tea.

I'm going back to Duke tomorrow for some lovely blood, platelets and benadryl, and then I shall be home for the holidays.

Ask for me during normal work hours.

I really do have an excellent reason for not posting in a while. Just wait, you're going to love this:

Tuesday, 12:30 PM: Run to Duke with mum, because I had a temperature that was all over the place and on the high end of the 100's. When I'm neutropenic, this is a Bad Thing, so in I troup.
Got blood drawn, found I needed platelets, no problem, there ALL BLASTED DAY getting antibiotics anyway, go home.

10:00 PM: Nice little surprise--fever again!

10:20-11:00 PM: At Wakemed getting MORE antibiotics. (Note: This was supposed to be faster than driving for an hour to get to Duke, but it took them an hour to get the antibiotics IN THE ROOM, and when they did, they barely knew what a Ferises Catheter was. I'm pretty sure you should know more than your patient, even if it is the ER, no offense, Dr. Citron.)

12:00 PM: Finally at Duke. In a Taj Mahal of a room. I'm serious. This is one of three big rooms in this ward, and it is ENORMOUS.

Wednesday: Nothing more exciting than MORE ANTIBIOTICS happened until around 10:00 PM, when I became seriously engaged with a prolific nosebleed, a bag of platelets, and muchos benadryl. I proceeded to sleep through the platelets and half the subsequent red blood until 4:00 AM or so, when I awoke, and the floodgates opened forth again (...Okay, so maybe it wasn't quite floodgates, but you get it, right?).
So I get more Blood'n'Benadryl, happiness overtakes me, and the blood is outa there before you know it.

Thursday: I am completely, totally (very much reversibly, however) unattached fom my constant companion, The Pole for most of the day, so my mum and I take a walk over to Duke Gardens a little after lunch. We find an nice sunny hill and lay there for a while just looking at the ducks and the pond and the blue heron and the trees and the sky and...Almost falling asleep too, but I won't mention that.
Gorgeous day. Whole year should be like that day. Could deal with it being about 7 degrees warmer, but apart from that, it was perfect. And Duke Gardens is a really nice place to spend a perfect day, too. I mean, at the risk of repeating my self waaaay to often...It's perfect.

Today: No fever in over 48 hours. No bleeding in over 24. Blood counts are trending upwards. Chance of getting the heck out of there by two: 100%, babe. If it wasn't, I would require a thorzine drip and several rolls of Duct Tape.

Ugh. Fever is NOT HAPPENING AGAIN, do you HEAR me??? Not. No. Never. I don't care if I get a closet for my next Chemo. NO. MORE. FEVERS.

So did you love that or what?

Aaaah!!
Kill me quickly...

My brother looks so good in eyeliner. Darn it, he looks better than I do. Hmmm...

Maybe death would not be preferable.
Have to think on this.
He's going to a boyscout Hallowe'en party tonight, with all my guys and dads...
I wish him luck. Mum says he looks like a drag queen. Which, as soon as he's out of boyscouts, might work.

Okaaaay...
MORE reactionary platelets, after they pre- and post-meded the heck out of me.
WILL THEY NEVER LEARN????
My parent's insurance company is paying through the teeth (not that I give a darn about the fuchening insurance companies). I think I deserve to at least GET SOMETHING OUT OF THIS!

Whoo, okay, breeeeathe...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

Nutropenic

Anemic

Corybantic? (That's just a great word)

I am full of ick.

We get a whole hour back!

...Why I am so excited about this, I couldn't tell you. Heck, it's probably something wacked out, but being excited about the sun going around the earth is exciting, right?

But it's October, there's hot cocoa on the stove, and life ought to be enjoyed.
Please, for me, don't think about the fact that tomorrow's Monday. Be happy! I am...

Well.

I feel good.

On the low end of the scale, there was the Hospital Mother Bear Story, which had a happy end, because hysterics are good for you. And crying detoxes.
(If you don't know what I'm talking about, visit Caringbridge.com and look for me.)

High end, I just got Hungry Eyes, which isn't very high I guess, but it's one of those songs that just makes me feel happy. Like Trees.

And I also stabbed myself with a Heperin needle, which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds, because it was only on my thumb and it had just come out of the wrapper and it was completely sanitary. It was just deep enough to draw blood and hurt and make me feel dumb.

Life does have it's high points...

Yay! An other week in the Hospital, where not only will two people live in a room the size of a Hamster's cage, not only will I be taking a pill the approximate size and shape of one of the Dakotas (Lord knows, I don't care, I guess they can't tell me from a horse, which is not the most reassuring ting in the world), not only will I be hooked up to several bleeping monitors day and night, but hey! I'm also going to be feeling VERY CRAPPY for most of my stay! Rejoice with me, peoples!!

Fixing me is obviously their top priority right now, not making me better.

Okay.
Breathing deeply (still).

Twelve Hours.

Twelvehours.

TWELVE HOURS!!! AT DUKE!!!

1. Blood Draw
2. Blood
3. Washed platelets
4. Ferises (if that's really how you spell it, getting my stem cells taken out of me now, so they can be put back in to me later)
5. Unwashed platelets (for which the pre-medicated the heck out of me)
6. Lupron shot

Home awaited us. Of course, little did we know that it would await us at 9:30 PM.
8-8 at Duke.

God, I feel like an unpaid employee.

The Chemo Diet! Look at the weight AND inches I've lost! I'm so sure it'll work for you!

How many ways can you spell EVIL??? (That was a rhetorical question, by the way).

Ooh, but on the up side, I'm very un-Nutropenic now! Minions! Be happy for me!

Okay, picture this: over my temple, a black widow, with a spider web blosoming out from it.

In face paints, naturally.

Please. Did you honestly think I'd get a tattoo? Been there, people. SO not getting a tattoo anywhere NEAR my face.
My spine was bad enough.

But the platelets went over a dream today. Literally. I slept right through it. Benadryl, benadryl, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Okay, so maybe it isn't so great. I mean, I thought Tylenol was THE BEST until mum told me all about that stuff it does to you liver. Or maybe it's your kidneys... Whatever.

...And, after an OTHER reaction yesterday ( and not to the blood, to the PLATELETS, which they decided I needed after I could not hold the ones I received on Monday), it has been decided that I will not only be receiving massive doses of benadryl (Stuff of Gods, man), but also "washed" platelets.
I have decided I really do not need to know what exactly these are, knowing generally will suffice.
In the mean time, I will be happy to chew out any nurse who comes within a mile of me with unwashed platelets.

Ha.

So yesterday, I got a platelets transfusion and had an Anafalactic Reaction. I mean, I felt like I couldn't breathe when I was lying down, my nose got all stuffy, my ears felt like they were filling up, I got this rash on the back of my head, and my throat felt like it was burning. Oh, and mum says that my lips were puffing up and my eyes got rather red.
So I got benadryl, which nocked me out till a few hours after I got back from Duke.

Now all this anaflactic stuff would be terrifying if I knew what it was. I mean seriously. Terrifying. There were three doctors, two nurses and my mum in my room, watching me eat (it was, like, one or so, so I reserve that right).

And Duke will once again be graced with my presence today. I'll be getting a red cell infusion for FOUR HOURS today, so...

Fun.

Alright, so I am now growing this very dark, low hairline, that dad says makes me look like Eddie Munster (but mum thinks it makes me look more like Curious George).
And my eyebrows are coming in darkdarkdark, which gives me hope that my hair will grow back black. Or, at the very least, dark brown like my dad's was before he shaved it.
My hair was very thick and BLACK when I was born, but it lightened considerably, and I am rather disappointed.

Oh, and I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail! I can see why that movie has such an ENOURMOUS cult following, but really, I kind of like And Now for Something Completely Different better.

Okay, I am typing in hospital gloves and they are making my hands very sweaty and they are also waaaay too big for me so I can not see the keys sometimes and that is annoying.

Where can I buy a few Commas?

And now I am back from Duke, and my Amazing Grandmother has sterilized EV-ER-Y THING. There is not a surface in this house that has not known the touch of a Lysol wipe.
Even the mouse has been sterilized. The keyboard was sterilized, while I was in the middle of writing a long email to one of my friends, and I think it was deleted.

No, actually I am positive it was deleted.

Being immuno-compromised is not in any way fun.

(On the plus side, this is the home keyboard and the home computer, and these keys do not stick or drive me completely BONKERS.)

...And now thanks to dad's pop-up blocker and sticky keyboard, I don't know if leterary is spelled with one or two t's! Just don't read that last post. In the long run, it will most likely do you no good and be hazardous to your health in the meantime.

And really, I don't see what dad's sticky keyboard has to do with it, except that the space bar sticking is really annoying me.

Well, what can I say? Chemo pretty much sucks. I know that isn't very literary of me, but my food intake and urine ouput are being monitered at the moment, and I am sorrry to gross you out, but I don't have time to waste being literary.

So, yeah...

Doing...okaaay.

I just had my dressing ripped off by one of my many nurses. At around 11, my own stem cells wll be implanted into my body, from whence they were harvested painstakigly several months previously. How is your morning going?

There, now you can't say that wasn't literary.

Ways I Am Like a Pregnant Woman:

1. Cravings.
2. Morning Sickness.
3. This nausea medication for pregnant women to prevent morning sickness.
4. Pregnancy tests with my blood (like I am so going to run out and have promiscuous sex in the middle of my cancer treatments, people).
5. An Ultrasound (but don't worry, it was one of my heart, so that's okay).

By brother is OUT IN THE WOODS AGAIN, so my other brother and my dad are out looking for him. At night. After Five. In the woods.
Not only did my darling go out without a walkie-talkie again, not only has he been out since lunch, but he also left his water bottle.
Is my brother a genius or what?

Well, okay, not completely irredeemable.
The photographer I told you about took a bunch of pictures of me for the Joan of Ark thing, and he and his wife were really nice, and the fact that he bought me a box of Godiva that I was FORBIDDEN to share more than once didn't hurt, either.

I have learned that professional photographers are crazy, though, just like professional actors. They all share a love of the human form, then ignore it completely when it's time to eat.

And did you know that you can cook Sushi in a dishwasher? You wrap the Sushi in question in foil so it doesn't get soggy, put on the top wrack of a loaded dishwasher, start it, and Voila! For instant Japanese, just add soapy water!

This day has rendered itself completely irredeemable.

So this place called Yanceyville (I think that's how you spell it) is about, oh, an hour and a half from where I live. It's kind of fun, if you have a reason for being there, but there's basically nothing. They have a couple schools, a Fire Department or two, a couple farms, and innumerable houses.
It's in the middle of nowhere, really.

So we know these people with a farm and stuff, and they are having their annual Plow Day, with pony rides, looks at farm equipment and cows (I love cows! I had a cow birthday once!), Free Food, and bunches of people.

We get there.

It is canceled.

Not really, just rain-checked, but still.

The weather is PERFECT, by the way.

They aren't even freaking outside. They won't even answer the freaking phone.
GOD.
One and a half hours. With current gas prices.

So then, just to see if there was any way to make our day just a tiny bit WORSE, we stop in at Ben and Jerry's, because we all need something sweet after such a horrendous morning (it isn't yet 11, and already the day sucks eggs).

Get this, though--B&J's doesn't open till noon.

May I ask what kind of joint does not open till noon? What sadistic creep dictated that Ben and Jerry's would not open till noon?! People need sustenance before then! I sure do, anyway.

So then we got to our downtown farmer's market to see if the Garlic people are there so we can get Chipolate Dip, and--surprise, surprise--the Garlic people have already packed up and left.

I would ask some one to shoot me, but my parents are paying waaaaaaay to much for doctors and stuff for me to die...

My eyes are so bleary right now, I can hardly read to save my life.
Now, you may wonder why I can see the letters on the keyboard and type and all that. I often do myself.
I guess I'm just special that way.

During dinner tonight, I was telling mom how I didn't mind the patented Guys Stubble on my head. "I honestly really truly without a doubt don't mind it," I said, "but fuchen, no amount of conditioner will soften it."
For some reason, this sent mum into gales of hysterical laughter, but I can't figure out why. Perhaps that wine was more potent than we realized.

And right after dinner, my youngest brother came down from his shower wearing a navy-blue bathrobe, a Darth Vader voice-changer mask (rather tilted), and carrying Yoda's lightsaber: Midget Darth Vader Home from cocktail Party.
"Loooke, baby, believe me, I am totally-HIC!-you father."

...Oh, yeah, and I'm also going to be Joan of Ark in a photo project in September. Apparently, the English shaved her head before leading her to the stake.
Did I forget to mention that?

And nobody wanted to take my picture before The Dreaded C Word. Maybe I'll just keep my head shaved when my hair starts growing back, I seem to be more popular as a model without it, although all my friends go about with permanently worried expressions...

On Monday, I received my first Flowers From Some One Who Will Not Reveal His/Her Name.
Having a life-threatening illness is definitely not without it's perks.

And I got to see all my guys (a.k.a. Boyscouts) Monday night, after I had my first choir thingymadohickey, and everything is very glowy.
You know, the irony of the world being glowy while I'm on Chemo's doorstep is sickening, but lo! even I shall endure...

I just made my first Legal MP3 Download!!! Be proud of me!

...And other breaking news stories. Hard facts, people. Not. A. Slow. News day.

Well, maybe. Perhaps...

Last night, around, oh, say, 9:30, while watching Fiddler on the Roof, a car pulls in to our driveway.
We're all thinking, Okay, they can't prove anything, we're innocent, and anyway, that whole Salamander Incident was all cleared up, right?
So then this midget (hey, it was dark out, 'K? Cut us some slack. My apologies to Laura, by the way...) comes running up our front stoop stairs, and we open the door, and are immediately assaulted by a huge display of FIREWORKS in our Cul-de-sack. I mean, it's completely fabulous, not only because it wasn't the authorities, but hey! Someone I Know (and Her/His/Their Kids) came and shot off Fireworks!
And then the neighbors came out, and they clapped, and we clapped, and The People I Know clapped, and we laughed and cried and made merry and had a grand old time.

It was seriously the best way to finish Radiation FOREVAH!!!

I am done!!!

...Somehow I imagined it would involve more firework displays and people running through the streets proclaiming my greatness...

Ah, well. I am going to be having Mimosas and chocolate and staying up late because I CAN, and also getting up LATE on a WEEK DAY like I haven't been able to do for SIX BLASTED WEEKS just because I like getting up late--My preferred hours are 9-5, so who can blame me?

Anywho...
There's nothing very exciting going on. I got a cut on my thumb pad while I was taking a Detox bath, but that is excessively dull...

Done! I am so happy...

TWO! MORE DAYS! OF MY ACCURSED RADIATION!

GO ME! GO ME! I LOVE THE CAPS-LOCK KEY!

Okay, I totally didn't mean for that to rhyme...
Also, you must remember that the Radiologists did absolutely nothing. The thrice-accursed Chuck Norris and I generated our own Radiation. We also went to Pluto. It was way cool.

My mum just got back from having an hour-long massage.
She came home smelling like oils and fresh sheets and stuff.
She immediately proceeded to draw herself a very deep, very hot, very bubblicious bath, light some candles, and have an enormous glass of very dry white.
Now, she is so relaxed that she is about to fall over on the couch and murmur for a blanket.

Five more days of Radiation.

Oh, and Carson moved to Wisconsin today, after drawing Chinese characters on my bald head with face paint.
I wrote him scads of letters with titles like, "To be opened when you miss me, if there ever is such an instance" and "To be opened when you need to scream, or, To be opened when you get to your house".

I admit, writing these letters was loads of fun.

Having Carson move...

Not so fun.

My friend is moving to WICONSINFORTHELOVEOFGOD tomorrow.
I am therefore going into mourning. Curling up my bed and never, ever coming out again.

Of course, I have Radiation tomorrow, so that might prove difficult.
Black is in order.

On the up-side, 6 more days of Radiation, and one of the patients there used to work with Lou Sedaris.

Oh.


My God.


You will never, ever, ever guess what I got on my birthday. I didn't even guess. Which is unusual for me. Usually, I get two things:
1. Chocolate (always worth the extra million pounds afterward)
2. Books.

So it's pretty repetitive, except that bar of lime chocolate I got from Dagoba last year, and that copy of Trickster's Queen. Those, I must admit, were utterly fabulous.

But back to my story, see...

You will never, ever guess what I got on my birthday.

Nope, it's not that.

Not that, either.

Eeeeew, definitely not that.

No, it's an

iPod Nano.

Which means it's really, really small.

Now, I DID NOT ASK FOR ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE THIS, THIS EXPENSIVE, OR TO HAVE ANYTHING THAT TAKES UP THIS MUCH BATTERY POWER. I AM EXPENSIVE ENOUGH ALREADY.

I have seen those bills from Duke, and just be glad you're not getting them, because they are Not At All Pretty. Honestly. Really. Truly.

But I would not trade this for cheap bills.

Nope. My beloved Greggory stays with me. Oh, yeah.

Life is so, so good...

Alrighty, now.
I got off the computer after checking my email, and read some (this really great mystery by Rita Mae Brown, Full Cry. I tell you, I am learning so many foxhunting terms, they are coming out my ears.)
Okay, and my Parental Unit #1, otherwise known as my mum, said, and I quote, "That's it?? Aren't you going to get on the web? Aren't you going to blog something? Even if it's just a sentence, it'll be worth it."
And I suggested this: "Tired: the new me."
And to this, she said: "How about 'what a bitch my mum is. She's making me take a thousand supplements a day that make me gag, and this awful fish oil that makes me feel like throwing up, and whenever I am nauseated, she foists ginger tea or water on me, whichever is closest.' How about that?"

Well, yeah, she does make me take a thousand supplements a day, and she does make me take fish oil (awful, terrible, horrible stuff), and, true, she does make me take ginger tea, because it is good for nausea, but she is also making mac'n'cheese, and milkshakes, and choco-coco treats, and peppermint tea, and bacon, and Oatmeal, and stuff.

What can I say? My mum truly is the man.

I AM GOING TO HAVE THIS DARNED CATHETER OUT ON THE TENTH!!!!!


I think that pretty much speaks for its self.


Let's see, this weekend we are going up to the Mountains and first rescuing my Absolute Favorite Boyscout in the Universe from the horrors of Summer Camp Food, and then we are going to CFO (Camps Farthest Out), where I will make everyone hug me because I am surviving Radiation.


And that

Is all.

Ha.

List of Most Exciting Things That Happened To Me This Week

Radiation.
Radiation.
More Radiation.
Radiation (although I hardly consider that exiting now).
Nosila calling me from the top of the Empire State Building (one quick note on this: last time I was in New York, I was all of six and very asleep. So, you know, being called from the top of the Empire State Building was very, very...Very.).
Going to the park with all those Homeschoolers!!!
Carson saying he's moving to WISCONSIN OF ALL PLACES within four weeks (I tell you, my heart almost stopped beating. Wish *AHEM* would move...)

...And...That's it. I plan to do a lot of sleeping this weekend. Just to let you know.

Okay. Here's how I am feeling right now:

Wonderful.

Marvelous.

Fabulous.

Just fine.

Not really, but you can imagine. I actually have a slight headache and some nausea, but you didn't need to know that.

Here's how I'll be feeling Monday:

Dreadful.

C'mon, I just had brain surgery. What did you expect?

I'll be starting Radiation Monday. Twelve weeks from that, I'll be doing Chemo, and then I'll be FREEEE!!!!!!!! Yay!


You people should see my dominant hand shake. (In case you were wondering, it's my right.) It's terrible. Honesly. I can barely hold a pen. I can barely write.

God.

On the up side, I just got a Pixie cut. For those of you who don't know, I used (emphasis on used, please) to have hair down to my hips. And I got it all cut off to give to Locks of Love, so some lucky stiff can have it as a wig.
Right now, it's up in a scarf. Paisely silk, for anyone who wants to know...

Ya know, not everything is very fair...

Okay...good things.

Thinking. Good things.

Nothing.

Bad things.

Lots.

1. Head busted open last day of Oliver.
2. Don't know it till five days after, when
3. I wake up.
4. Can't type straight.
5. Ten days after surgery.
6. Nana, Mr. Smith, and Eamon are doing my room.
7. Green. Bright green. This is good.
8. Are also doing my floor.
9. This is just as good. If not better.
10. Forgot to mention:
A. Kelly sent (and is sending) cards every day. This is very sweet of her. How she got my many, many addresses, I'll never know...
B. Willem is staying over.

I'll let you know when I have more...